Courts Report

Tuesday 26th July 2016

Today in a Circuit Court in Ireland, a 12 year old boy was awarded €35,000 in damages after having received a minuscule scar on his forehead in a freak, but minor accident 3 years ago. While the medical and technical details of this accident and it’s aftermath were not clear, Judge Fergus O’Carroll deemed the award to be highly appropriate after a cursory examination of the boy’s forehead using a desk lamp with a 40w incandescent light bulb. Despite having to look for the scar several times, he at last seemed satisfied it was there, once advanced laser microscopes were wheeled into the courtroom to assist him in his assessment.

Counsel for the minor, and his mother (who was not observed wringing her hands while dripping saliva), Eric Grabbum Q.C. thanked the judge for his empathy and understanding and assured the judge that the tidy sum would help the boy to ‘get over his shock and live as normal a life as possible’. In closing, Mr. Grabbum also asked the court to award the boy a further €500 so that he could buy himself a video game console to help him re-adjust and purchase some ‘educational games’.

Judge O’Carroll granted the additional request and wished the boy well in his education.

Later in the same Court, 59 cases were heard relating to possession proceedings on family homes. With 3 of those having turned up to defend their cases, the 56 remaining cases, some with arrears as high as €1,000, were all deemed unsustainable and possession orders given out.

Before handing down a possession order on every case, Judge O’Carroll remarked on each Defendant’s lack of fiscal fortitude and lambasted in turn, all newly disenfranchised homeowners for their casual attitude to money. When it was finally pointed out to the judge that none of the people who had just had their homes taken from them were actually present, Judge O’Carroll just shrugged and said ‘Shame, I was enjoying that!’

One further case involving a teenager with a spot on his nose and a dodgy haircut, ended with an award of €42,000 ‘because it looked sore’. Judge O’Carroll said that he ‘felt for the boy’ and hoped this financial assistance would go some way toward some acne cream. After a quick representation from Jerry Shicklegruber Q.C., who asked, “Haven’t you forgotten something Judge?”, Justice O’Carroll immediately topped up the award with a further €253,000 for some Loreal Extreme Hold and an afro comb.

Footnote: Although the names are different and the bit about the microscope is fictitious, and a few other bits and pieces have been… embellished, the first case actually DID happen in a Circuit Court on July 26th 2016. €35,000 plus €500 to purchase a games console (with educational games) was actually awarded for the reasons stated. Now if that ain’t bollocks…

Request for help

Michael Durrito asked:

Dear Philip Kilkenny Hogg,
I have a problem I need some help on. Could you contact me?

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your email. I have brought it to Philip’s attention and he has asked me to tell you to shag off! As a Commissioner in the EEEEEUUUUUUUU!, Philip says he has neither the time nor the inclination to speak to the little people anymore. He also points out that this was also his attitude before his recent promotion, so at least he’s being consistent as you’ll no doubt agree. As you will also notice, Philip couldn’t even be arsed to reply to you personally and so tasked me with this brush-off on his behalf. In fact he’s standing over my shoulder right now watching me type this and laughing his hole off at what he calls ‘the audacity of that prick’.

While I don’t share Philip’s attitude, he pays me 43c for every email I send out so I’m just getting paid for following orders. Is there any chance you can ask some of your friends and family to email Philip with a similar request? That should bump up my payments for the week considerably and justify Philip putting me down as a ‘necessary expense’ when in reality I just play Farmville day in day out in a broom cupboard and I’m bored out of my tits.

Thank you once again for your email and once more, let me just reiterate that Philip has directed me to tell you to shag off while smirking with forked fingers directed at the screen.

Gunnar Rea

Michael Durrito replied:

Dear Gunnar,
Tell Philip there’s a few quid in it for him.

Dear Michael,

Why didn’t you say so? What’s your problem and how can I help?

Philip Kilkenny Hogg