Michael Durrito asked:

Dear Philip Kilkenny Hogg,
I have a problem I need some help on. Could you contact me?

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your email. I have brought it to Philip’s attention and he has asked me to tell you to shag off! As a Commissioner in the EEEEEUUUUUUUU!, Philip says he has neither the time nor the inclination to speak to the little people anymore. He also points out that this was also his attitude before his recent promotion, so at least he’s being consistent as you’ll no doubt agree. As you will also notice, Philip couldn’t even be arsed to reply to you personally and so tasked me with this brush-off on his behalf. In fact he’s standing over my shoulder right now watching me type this and laughing his hole off at what he calls ‘the audacity of that prick’.

While I don’t share Philip’s attitude, he pays me 43c for every email I send out so I’m just getting paid for following orders. Is there any chance you can ask some of your friends and family to email Philip with a similar request? That should bump up my payments for the week considerably and justify Philip putting me down as a ‘necessary expense’ when in reality I just play Farmville day in day out in a broom cupboard and I’m bored out of my tits.

Thank you once again for your email and once more, let me just reiterate that Philip has directed me to tell you to shag off while smirking with forked fingers directed at the screen.

Sincerely,
Gunnar Rea

Michael Durrito replied:

Dear Gunnar,
Tell Philip there’s a few quid in it for him.

Dear Michael,

Why didn’t you say so? What’s your problem and how can I help?

Regards,
Philip Kilkenny Hogg