Monthly Archives: July 2016

Legal Bollocks

Legal action

Leave a comment

Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
Please instigate legal proceedings against someone…anyone. I haven’t threatened anyone with legal action for 2 days.

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

We are in receipt of your instructions to initiate legal proceedings and we will start the process immediately.

You understand that in doing so we could possibly be held liable for any counter-proceedings which anyone may wish to take against us. Therefore we will not sign this document with our real names, but instead make it look like the genuine signature of someone utterly fictitious who we can trick the victim into believing works in this office.

To further cover ourselves and avoid any potential liability, we will not put a real printed name on the letter either, just the name of the firm. This will give the impression that a non-living, corporate entity has some mystical power to actually threaten someone, which when you think about it, is an utterly absurd notion. It’s like saying that your coffee table can compose symphonies, or that photograph on your kitchen wall can swim. But the brainwashed idiots out there believe it, so why a change sure-fire winner that we’ve always gotten away with?

Meanwhile, the solicitor in charge of the case can hide in the shadows, avoiding identification and in theory, free from being sued if anything goes wrong. As our client you will be fully insulated from any counter suit and as your solicitors, we will be be safely anonymous hiding away behind our false signatures. It’s gas really.

So, a win-win scenario as I’m sure you’ll agree.

We would request that you hitherto narrow your list of potential targets down to 3 or 4 over the weekend and make a final choice early next week. We will use that time to concoct some authentic looking signatures and have the office intern sufficiently intimidated and ready to sign the letters. You’ll appreciate that this gives us a further layer of protection as we can always throw that intern to the wolves if events should take an unfortunate turn and in the meantime the solicitor assigned to the case can still be paid.

We trust all this meets with your approval.

We look forward to receiving a dirty big bag of money from you upon successful prosecution of this case and then bragging to the solicitor’s guild about how we nailed some sucker to the mast by forging a signature. Getting the intern into deep shit too would be a bonus hard on that we’d love to experience.

Please destroy this letter after you’ve read it.

Yours sincerely,

img-thing
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR

Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
I have received your letter. It appears to have been signed by a Mr. Mouse. Are you sure this is a real person?

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

You’re catching on. Rest assured that your victim won’t.

Please have your enormous payment ready.

Yours sincerely,

2014-05-05-Mickey_signature
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR

Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
I have received your 2nd letter. Mr. Mouse’s signature is different than the first one. Did he use his other hand?

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

Don’t worry about it. That’s common practice. Hidden in plain sight, but the gobshites never see it. Brilliant racket altogether!

Looking forward to booking a cruise for the entire staff after receiving payment from you. Incidentally, can you please forward an advance? Our chosen barrister has to get her wig groomed and her batman cape needs to be laundered after she loaned it to the school headmaster last week. Bloody chalk, you understand.

Yours sincerely-ish,

Mickey3.jpg
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR

Questions Answered

Weekend Plans

Leave a comment

Caroline Connolly asked:

Dear Jone,
Have you any plans for Friday?

Dear Caroline,

Might I first say that I’m glad you asked me that question and that I shall endeavour to answer your question as succinctly and accurately as possible in the time allowed. Questions like this have been brought to my attention several times over the last few months and I give every single one of them my undivided attention as is only right. The discussion on this issue has so far proven to be worthwhile from both a national and inter-galactic perspective with all sides contributing positive, yet critical analysis of the matter at hand, in the best interests of the country. All sides of the social divide agree that action is imperative if we are to address such issues and ensure prosperity for the next generation.

To that end, I have engaged with union leaders in several closed-session meetings since I received your email. The frank and often heated discussions which ensued, were no doubt helpful in establishing a frame of reference from which to base further decisions and move the agenda on in a spirit of understanding and inclusion for all.

Furthermore, in a letter to community leaders, I recently made a case for openness and understanding to ensure no one is left behind or in any way excluded from any decision making process looking into the next decade. All agreed with me that this was the best approach if we are to transcend the current problems faced by all and tackle them with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and heart.

I trust these assurances meet with your satisfaction.

Yours, sincerely sincere.
JL

Questions Answered

Student Fee Stance

Leave a comment

Dink Smedley asked:

Dear Patrick,
Given your student background, can you tell me what your stance is on student fees?

Dear Dink,

Thank you for your question. Before answering it I must first insist that you return my student background as no one had any right to give it to you in the first place. That picture of TCD with me standing in front it wearing my ‘Justice for someone’ t-shirt while holding my fist in a menacing and defiant manner is very important to me so I want it back or I’ll make the face.

Now to answer your query, my stance on student fees remains very much as it always has. I keep my feet as close together and as straight as possible so that my posture is always vertical medically, thus ensuring my abdominal muscles do not expand forward in my later years. This is a practice I learned from an early age and one which I fundamentally believe in with every fruit and fibre of my being, ever since it became an election issue in 1976. As you’ll appreciate, this belief, no matter how much I vociferously defend it now, will be subject to review should it become clear after the next election that there is no budget to support any medical studies of a similar nature in the future… as has always been my policy.

Fees are of course a matter of come concern to someone I’m sure and if they become an election issue I’ll be right behind whatever populist view guarantees me a slot on the Vincent Browne Show. Rest assured I’ll be ‘flexible’ in those views, once the results of the next election are in.

Regardless
PG