Category Archives: Questions Answered

Out of Office

Joanna Hand asked:

Dear Bernie Bassett,
How would you sum up your time in office?

Howya Joanna,

Well I’d usually have a cappuccino in the morning, play solitaire for a while and den check out Paddy Power dot com to check out de odds for whatever race meeting would be coming up. Dat would take me up to lunchtime.

Lunch itself isn’t important to your question as I don’t have it in the office. Normally, it’s out the bleedin’ door to the nearest and most expensive 5-star hotel for a slap up grill on de taxpayers’ tab.

De afternoon would generally be a repeat of the morning, except I’d probably have a shite between 3.30 and 5pm. I’ve built up a grand collection of Racing Post back issues in the old cubicle. Dat brings me nicely to the end of another hard day at the office.

Dat about sums it up I think,


Request for help

Michael Durrito asked:

Dear Philip Kilkenny Hogg,
I have a problem I need some help on. Could you contact me?

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your email. I have brought it to Philip’s attention and he has asked me to tell you to shag off! As a Commissioner in the EEEEEUUUUUUUU!, Philip says he has neither the time nor the inclination to speak to the little people anymore. He also points out that this was also his attitude before his recent promotion, so at least he’s being consistent as you’ll no doubt agree. As you will also notice, Philip couldn’t even be arsed to reply to you personally and so tasked me with this brush-off on his behalf. In fact he’s standing over my shoulder right now watching me type this and laughing his hole off at what he calls ‘the audacity of that prick’.

While I don’t share Philip’s attitude, he pays me 43c for every email I send out so I’m just getting paid for following orders. Is there any chance you can ask some of your friends and family to email Philip with a similar request? That should bump up my payments for the week considerably and justify Philip putting me down as a ‘necessary expense’ when in reality I just play Farmville day in day out in a broom cupboard and I’m bored out of my tits.

Thank you once again for your email and once more, let me just reiterate that Philip has directed me to tell you to shag off while smirking with forked fingers directed at the screen.

Gunnar Rea

Michael Durrito replied:

Dear Gunnar,
Tell Philip there’s a few quid in it for him.

Dear Michael,

Why didn’t you say so? What’s your problem and how can I help?

Philip Kilkenny Hogg

Weekend Plans

Caroline Connolly asked:

Dear Jone,
Have you any plans for Friday?

Dear Caroline,

Might I first say that I’m glad you asked me that question and that I shall endeavour to answer your question as succinctly and accurately as possible in the time allowed. Questions like this have been brought to my attention several times over the last few months and I give every single one of them my undivided attention as is only right. The discussion on this issue has so far proven to be worthwhile from both a national and inter-galactic perspective with all sides contributing positive, yet critical analysis of the matter at hand, in the best interests of the country. All sides of the social divide agree that action is imperative if we are to address such issues and ensure prosperity for the next generation.

To that end, I have engaged with union leaders in several closed-session meetings since I received your email. The frank and often heated discussions which ensued, were no doubt helpful in establishing a frame of reference from which to base further decisions and move the agenda on in a spirit of understanding and inclusion for all.

Furthermore, in a letter to community leaders, I recently made a case for openness and understanding to ensure no one is left behind or in any way excluded from any decision making process looking into the next decade. All agreed with me that this was the best approach if we are to transcend the current problems faced by all and tackle them with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and heart.

I trust these assurances meet with your satisfaction.

Yours, sincerely sincere.

Student Fee Stance

Dink Smedley asked:

Dear Patrick,
Given your student background, can you tell me what your stance is on student fees?

Dear Dink,

Thank you for your question. Before answering it I must first insist that you return my student background as no one had any right to give it to you in the first place. That picture of TCD with me standing in front it wearing my ‘Justice for someone’ t-shirt while holding my fist in a menacing and defiant manner is very important to me so I want it back or I’ll make the face.

Now to answer your query, my stance on student fees remains very much as it always has. I keep my feet as close together and as straight as possible so that my posture is always vertical medically, thus ensuring my abdominal muscles do not expand forward in my later years. This is a practice I learned from an early age and one which I fundamentally believe in with every fruit and fibre of my being, ever since it became an election issue in 1976. As you’ll appreciate, this belief, no matter how much I vociferously defend it now, will be subject to review should it become clear after the next election that there is no budget to support any medical studies of a similar nature in the future… as has always been my policy.

Fees are of course a matter of come concern to someone I’m sure and if they become an election issue I’ll be right behind whatever populist view guarantees me a slot on the Vincent Browne Show. Rest assured I’ll be ‘flexible’ in those views, once the results of the next election are in.


Transparency in Government

Fintan McSorley asked:

Dear Clement,
What steps were taken to ensure transparency in all government departments?

Dear Fintan,
Transparency is a red line issue for this government. We consider being transparent to be a key trait of any government department. To that end we have knocked down most of the walls in our offices and replaced them with full wall sized windows. Granted this may cause issues going forward, especially where public facilities are concerned, but such problems are minor in the light of the bigger picture.

However we categorically deny that any steps were taken. In a recently commissioned Red C survey poll thing, it was confirmed by 97% of respondents that the walkways around all our buildings remain exactly where they have always been and the stairs are definitely still there. The remaining 3% refused to participate on grounds of running for a 48A bus. In addition, thanks to our new transparent walls, I was able to simply look up from my desk and can hereby confirm that the 2nd floor is definitely still accessible via the staircase.

Please refrain from making scurrilous allegations in the future.

Your servant,