Weekend Plans

Caroline Connolly asked:

Dear Jone,
Have you any plans for Friday?

Dear Caroline,

Might I first say that I’m glad you asked me that question and that I shall endeavour to answer your question as succinctly and accurately as possible in the time allowed. Questions like this have been brought to my attention several times over the last few months and I give every single one of them my undivided attention as is only right. The discussion on this issue has so far proven to be worthwhile from both a national and inter-galactic perspective with all sides contributing positive, yet critical analysis of the matter at hand, in the best interests of the country. All sides of the social divide agree that action is imperative if we are to address such issues and ensure prosperity for the next generation.

To that end, I have engaged with union leaders in several closed-session meetings since I received your email. The frank and often heated discussions which ensued, were no doubt helpful in establishing a frame of reference from which to base further decisions and move the agenda on in a spirit of understanding and inclusion for all.

Furthermore, in a letter to community leaders, I recently made a case for openness and understanding to ensure no one is left behind or in any way excluded from any decision making process looking into the next decade. All agreed with me that this was the best approach if we are to transcend the current problems faced by all and tackle them with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and heart.

I trust these assurances meet with your satisfaction.

Yours, sincerely sincere.
JL

Student Fee Stance

Dink Smedley asked:

Dear Patrick,
Given your student background, can you tell me what your stance is on student fees?

Dear Dink,

Thank you for your question. Before answering it I must first insist that you return my student background as no one had any right to give it to you in the first place. That picture of TCD with me standing in front it wearing my ‘Justice for someone’ t-shirt while holding my fist in a menacing and defiant manner is very important to me so I want it back or I’ll make the face.

Now to answer your query, my stance on student fees remains very much as it always has. I keep my feet as close together and as straight as possible so that my posture is always vertical medically, thus ensuring my abdominal muscles do not expand forward in my later years. This is a practice I learned from an early age and one which I fundamentally believe in with every fruit and fibre of my being, ever since it became an election issue in 1976. As you’ll appreciate, this belief, no matter how much I vociferously defend it now, will be subject to review should it become clear after the next election that there is no budget to support any medical studies of a similar nature in the future… as has always been my policy.

Fees are of course a matter of come concern to someone I’m sure and if they become an election issue I’ll be right behind whatever populist view guarantees me a slot on the Vincent Browne Show. Rest assured I’ll be ‘flexible’ in those views, once the results of the next election are in.

Regardless
PG

Any Politician. Any Country. Same Bullshit.