Legal action

Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
Please instigate legal proceedings against someone…anyone. I haven’t threatened anyone with legal action for 2 days.

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

We are in receipt of your instructions to initiate legal proceedings and we will start the process immediately.

You understand that in doing so we could possibly be held liable for any counter-proceedings which anyone may wish to take against us. Therefore we will not sign this document with our real names, but instead make it look like the genuine signature of someone utterly fictitious who we can trick the victim into believing works in this office.

To further cover ourselves and avoid any potential liability, we will not put a real printed name on the letter either, just the name of the firm. This will give the impression that a non-living, corporate entity has some mystical power to actually threaten someone, which when you think about it, is an utterly absurd notion. It’s like saying that your coffee table can compose symphonies, or that photograph on your kitchen wall can swim. But the brainwashed idiots out there believe it, so why a change sure-fire winner that we’ve always gotten away with?

Meanwhile, the solicitor in charge of the case can hide in the shadows, avoiding identification and in theory, free from being sued if anything goes wrong. As our client you will be fully insulated from any counter suit and as your solicitors, we will be be safely anonymous hiding away behind our false signatures. It’s gas really.

So, a win-win scenario as I’m sure you’ll agree.

We would request that you hitherto narrow your list of potential targets down to 3 or 4 over the weekend and make a final choice early next week. We will use that time to concoct some authentic looking signatures and have the office intern sufficiently intimidated and ready to sign the letters. You’ll appreciate that this gives us a further layer of protection as we can always throw that intern to the wolves if events should take an unfortunate turn and in the meantime the solicitor assigned to the case can still be paid.

We trust all this meets with your approval.

We look forward to receiving a dirty big bag of money from you upon successful prosecution of this case and then bragging to the solicitor’s guild about how we nailed some sucker to the mast by forging a signature. Getting the intern into deep shit too would be a bonus hard on that we’d love to experience.

Please destroy this letter after you’ve read it.

Yours sincerely,

img-thing
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR


Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
I have received your letter. It appears to have been signed by a Mr. Mouse. Are you sure this is a real person?

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

You’re catching on. Rest assured that your victim won’t.

Please have your enormous payment ready.

Yours sincerely,

2014-05-05-Mickey_signature
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR


Dobby O’Briain asked:

Dear Whitney Heuson Mór,
I have received your 2nd letter. Mr. Mouse’s signature is different than the first one. Did he use his other hand?

Regards,
Dobby

Dear Sir,

Don’t worry about it. That’s common practice. Hidden in plain sight, but the gobshites never see it. Brilliant racket altogether!

Looking forward to booking a cruise for the entire staff after receiving payment from you. Incidentally, can you please forward an advance? Our chosen barrister has to get her wig groomed and her batman cape needs to be laundered after she loaned it to the school headmaster last week. Bloody chalk, you understand.

Yours sincerely-ish,

Mickey3.jpg
____________________________
WHITNEY HEUSON MOR

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s